This is a Clarence Update

Punky and I were sitting on our front porch smoking our tasty cigs when out walks the tubby-tubby across the street. Ok -this dude looks pregnant! It's sad! And he's like 25 and his voice still cracks - it's hilarious! I think every time we're outside a beacon sounds off inside his house and he comes out to see the scary lesbians. His little doggy does it's business and his son (2ish) runs around in his diapers. It's always a white trash moment... the poor guy never has his shirt on... and if he does it's ripped to shreds and he might as well be topless. Not to mention the jeans he wears - half the damn ass is missing! If I have to see his nastiness one more time I will vomit! Anywho... doggy's done and he bends over to pick up the kid - ass hanging and all. Well out pops his cell phone from his pocket into the grass and he doesn't realize it. HA! Hum... should we tell him... should we not? Nah. So, we go inside and come back out a couple hours later when it's dark. Sure nuff - preggers comes outside with the varmint and runt. Punky whispers... "maybe he heard his lawn ring?" Nope - he does his little stretch and goes back inside. Not a minute later and we hear this ring... and it's coming from across the street. Should we go tell him his lawn is ringing? Nah... this is some funny stuff! It stops ringing and then starts up again. We're in hysterics right about now when Punky gets a conscience and runs across the street... grabs his phone and knocks on the door. (Mind you we can hear everything that is said from across the street - damn subdivisions). Fatty opens the door and Punky shoves this ringing phone into his face and says "Your phone's ringing.. uh I mean the lawn's ringing.. uh your phone!" He grabbed it and slammed the door while she was running away on her tip-toes (barefoot and in her PJ's with no bra). LMAO!!! LMAO!!!! LMAO!!!!!! I haven't seen such a funny sight in forever! Thought I would share.

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Let me say that diets suck!!!!!!!! I went to see a diet doctor 2 weeks ago yesterday. The same doc that my co-worker AS went to. He put her on a strict low calorie died and gave her a diet pill to help with the hunger, etc. It has done wonders for her and she's lost 16lbs in just over a month. So I went to see him thinking he would put me on the same diet. Nope - he put me on the low carb diet. Shit. Fuck. Damn. I have been on a low carb diet before and it really worked for me - but all I ever eat is carbs so I pretty much starve now. All of the no-carb foods taste like ass and don't want to go down my throat. So... I've been on it for 2 weeks and 1 day and have lost at least 12lbs. I'm sure I have lost more, but I refuse to weigh myself when I'm riding the fucking cotton pony! Bloating sucks... and I want chocolate!!!!!!!

Anyway - I do it smartly... I eat lean meat and lots of salad - I mean lettuce. Lots of lettuce!! No fucking dressing! Just take a bite of chicken and a bite of lettuce. Yum. Shit! No more sandwiches the normal way. Nope... one piece of bread has like at least 13 g of carbs... and when I can only have 20-30 g of carbs a day - that pretty much screws up my other two meals. So... I bought the only kind of bread I could find that was 9g of carbs per slice.... and I only have one slice. I make a foldover of deli ham and mayo (no carbs btw!). That's dinner. Well... a few times a week anyway. I'm learning to make other things that are tasty and will keep me within my range. It sucks being hungry all the time!! I drink and drink and drink until I fucking float!!! I used to be a twice a day pee-er. Once when I woke up... and right when I get home from work. Now I pee twice before I even leave the house... at least 3 times while at work... and three times before I sleep. As if that wasn't enough - I have to wake up every 3 hours just to pee again. UGH! Will this ever stop?? I'm not getting any sleep... I'm cranky a lot... I'm not getting any sleep. Woe is me. But.. the rewards of all this suffering will be worth it. And I have to train myself to eat different for the rest of my life or I will get diabetes. He said I'm at a very high risk. EEEKKK! No thank you! Oh, and I'm clinically obese. Now that word sucks!!! One never thinks of thyself as obese... we're just fluffier than everyone else who was born with the skinny gene.

There is a huge cluster fuck at work!!! To keep this short - one of my co-works of a sister company (who works in the same office as we do) was caught embezzling over $114,000 over the past 1 1/2 years!!! Holy shit!!! She was cutting a check for her husband showing he worked 40-65 hours per week (when he has NEVER worked for us) - and cut checks for him using his initials instead of his first name... checks for her two sons... nephews... nieces... and to top it all off... her husbands dead father has been receiving payroll checks for quite a while now. Hum... wonder how she thought of that one! She's going down!! Charges are filed, she is in total panic mode!! It's awesome. She needs to fry!! Put a jumpsuit on her and let her bunk with Bertha! More on that later :)

The bitch left a fish in her office... a Betta. The poor thing was in a 16oz jar filled mostly with pebbles. No room to roam. So - I adopted it and got a fabulous fish tank with lots of fun frillys. It's much happier now. I named it Hermie... because it's pretty much a hermaphrodite to us. There's no flippin way to tell if it's a boy or girl. :) Yay!! I finally have a fish!!!

Ciao babes!